When you have a child suffering from depression.

This might be the hardest post I ever had written and I have doubted to post it or not, but it has been on my mind sinds last week and I can’t shake it loose.

Last week Cory Swapp died. He was the son of Heidi and Eric Swapp. I have followed, as many of you Scrapbookers, Heidi's life for many years through her wonderful Scrapbook creations. We got to see a glimps of her as a mother and see their kids grow up. Hearing the news that her son Cory had died broke my heart for her as no mother should have to go through losing her child. Then I heard that he took his own life, and it hit even more home with me and it has been on my mind ever sinds. 

Anthony, my oldest son, is born on the 14th of April 1999, just like Heidi’s son Cory. And just like Cory Anthony suffers from depression. I never shared this openly with you because for me it was something that I was afraid of sharing. Because what if I shared my worst fear, would I jinx it? Also it is not something you can talk about with others as many people do not have a child with depression and they have no idea how to respond, so I kept it to myself, just like many moms do I guess. It also feels like you are failing as a parent to not be able to have a “happy” child. I now know I can’t help him think differently, he is “wired” a different way.

It started when he was 2,5 years old. It was the first time he said: “I want to die”. When he was 7/8 it was not:"I want to die" anymore but: "I am going to commit suicide". Horrible and frightning things to hear and it breaks your heart. You feel helpless and try anything to get that thought out of his mind. 

With Anthony a lot of this has to do with his Autism. I now know that when he is depressed he is overly stimmulated or has too much stress in his life, which can come from different things. As many of you long time readers know Anthony has not had a happy childhood as he has been having difficulties with schools from early on. He has been teased, hit by a teacher and switched multiple schools and therefor it was hard to make longterm friends. Also the kids in his school never lived nearby to get together after school, so he feels alone a lot of the time and that hasn't changed much. And when he has a friend he finds it hard to maintane them due to lack of social ability due to his Autism. My heart often breaks in a million pieces when he expresses his loneliness. He still talks about killing himself when he is 18, cause what is the use of a shitty life? I always tell him that he would hurt me so much if he would do this, but I know really well in my gut that if he is at a point in his life where everything is really too much to handle it might happen. This has always been my biggest fear from early on. I have talked with his Psychiater about it and he said it is common with kids with Autism to be negative and more to the depressed side. Anthony's medication didn't help either, in fact it made the negativity and depression worse. Since we stopped his medication and turned to essential oils to support him we have seen a change in him for the better. He is less negative and less depressed, more open en more positive.

I myself have been depressed on and off from the age of 19, but only once did I thought about ending my life but never to the intent of actually doing it, because thinking about my parents and how they would feel made me stop thinking about it all together. Then I had a post-partem depression after Anthony was born but I found out years later that this had been it after a friend of mine had a post-partnem depression. I recognized myselve in her and put two and two together. In the years to follow I have had periods where I felt depressed, but never knew it was a depression until a few years ago a psycologist told me that I was depressed and asked me if I ever felt this way before......uh yeah! Right now I am doing OK but I know I have it always lurking around the corner. 

For me it has helped to talk or write down my feelings or thoughts. To get rid of things that causes stress and to have some alone time now and then to get energized again. My oils have supported me as well to stay emotion balanced. I am a very positive person, I always know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I so wish my son would have this as well.

It is hard to have a child who sometimes can't see no other way then "out" and it takes a lot of parent to deal with this and stay calm and talk them through it. I am afraid sometimes to leave, go on a business trip because I am his “person”. I am his person when he is angry (not so fun), but also his person when he is sad, depressed to talk to. I am happy he still is expressing it, but still everytime I leave for a few days I am leaving happier when he is doing OK then when he is not. You are afraid to not be there, to not be able to talk to him or stop him when it does get to that point....if I think about it too much it can give me anxiety attacks. 

So yes my heart feels so heavy for the Swapp family as they are now living my worst fear. I want to ask you to hold them up in your prayers today as they say their final goodbye’s to their son Cory. And can I also ask you to hold up my son Anthony, that he will always see the light when everything seems dark. Thank you!

If you want to show your support to the Swapp family here is something you can do:

http://beckyhiggins.com/share-your-love-for-the-swapp-family/

or this:


I know that words of support after loosing someone means a lot, you feel lifted by the outpooring of love, even if they are strangers to you. So let's help lift their spirit and maybe also send a word of love to his siblings, they are hurting just as much.

Corinnexxx

Comments

[Alette]

Heel moeilijk, voor Heidi en haar familie maar ook voor jullie. Leven met iemand die depressief is, is moeilijk voor beide partijen. Ik vind t zo erg dat Cory geen andere uitweg wist dan die hij gekozen heeft. Zo jong, echt vreselijk xx

[Jen Gallacher]

Thank you for sharing your story! I'm so sorry that you and your son have struggled with depression. Having had it for nearly 20 years my heart aches for those who have it as well. Please know you are both in my thoughts!

[eakinchick]

I'm curious what oils you use. I have family members that really could benefit from that information. Thank you!

[Sandraonad]

Corinne, I will be praying for You and Anthony. My prayer is for complete healing for him and peace for your family.

[jamie]

xoxoxo corinne.

[Maaike]

Ik snap je helemaal helaas! Xxx

[Karen Aldrin]

Xoxoxoxoxox Corinne and Anthony. Never keep anything inside, talk all you want, even when people try to shut you down as my family have done in the past to me.
I'm a big believer in finding people to talk to, a brain tumour group helped me in my hour of need, when my family tried to shut it all out and shut me up.
I hope Anthony starts to find peace as he grows up, and finds his happy place xxxx

[Tami F.]

So much of what you mentioned about your son resonates with what my teenage daughter is/has gone through. She has been fighting depression fiercely these past couple of years. Medications have seemed to help, but not 100%. Talking to a therapist has helped, but again not 100%. I try so hard to encourage her, talk to her, and let her know that tomorrow brings another chance for things to turn around and the hope for it to get better. Just like your son, she has expressed her loneliness because of the lack of friends. For her, these high school years have been hard emotionally, mentally, and physically. The one thing that has given me a small sense of relief is, like you, she has stated that even though she's thought about suicide in her darkest moments, she cannot do that and leave me, her father, and brothers with the pain. I thank God for that! I hope she always holds on to that thought!

My heart broke when I read the news of Heidi Swapp's son. It is our worst nightmare as parents. I pray so hard for her, her husband, and their children to have the strength, courage, and determination to overcome this pain one day at a time. There will always be a hole, a missing link in their family, from this day forward. They will question themselves as to whether they did everything they could, and they did. They loved him with everything they had. It's this debilitating disease that rips whatever positive feelings of hope from young people, and they see no reason to go on. I wish we could perform a miracle, a bit of magic, and wipe away those desperate feelings so that they can see there is a reason, many reasons. But at the end of the day, all we can do is pray and be vigilant in helping our children fight their war against depression any way we can.

Thank you for sharing your story! Hugs to you!! Stay strong! ♥

[Chi-Girl]

Thank you for sharing this. Children's and young adult's depression must be taken seriously and it is such a horrific thing for them and their families to deal with. Prayers to you, your son, and all of the Swapp family.

[MEG]

Your story, and your courage sharing it, touched me deeply.
Till 2002 I suffered from depression. It got so bad that, by 1998, I planned killing my kids and myself (they were little kids and I was convinced nobody would care for them as much as I was doing...crazy, isn't it?)
In a moment of clarity I called a help line. The lady who assisted me told me a lot of things but one clicked:
"You can always kill yourself tomorrow, so don't do it today, ask for help, call someone right now. If it doesn't work, you can always do it tomorrow."
She also said:
"Imagine your family, standing in front of the four coffins, wondering 'Why didn't she call us?' "
Those remarks shocked me, and helped me a lot.
I've shared them with other suicidal people I met (including my middle son who, sometimes, goes into depression bouts)and helped many of them, not all of them, but if it helps at least one it's worthy.
In 2002 I met a very wise person who gave me the tools and the key to never get depressed again. So much so that he passed away in 2003 and I didn't go into depression as I would have before. I was sad (through him I also learned the difference between sadness and depression), I am sad, I'll be sad forever, but never depressed. I have the right to be sad, but not to be depressed, otherwise I would be ungrateful to those who are still here, by me. It would be like saying they are not important and I would deserve to lose them. I'm sad 24/7 for his loss, but happy 24/7 for the many blessings I still have (and now I value them even more). I was happier before his passing, yes, but now I'm not unhappy, just less happy. Gratitude is the magic word.
Writing down, every night, in my gratitude journal, at least five things I'm grateful for, keeps me aware of how blessed I am and that I have all I need to be happy. Many people would like to have what I have (I'm not even middle class, but I have a roof, food on the table, clean clothes, and, most importantly, family and friends who love me and care for me).
Sorry for this long message but I know the pain and I always try to carry this message in the hope it may help.
I'll keep you and your family in my daily compassionate meditations.

[Angela]

My son is also an April 1999 baby...and he also suffers horribly from depression. This is also my nightmare. It's really strange that they all are male born a few days apart. It's eerily hitting home for me. Thank you for sharing.

[Monique]

Wat verschrikkelijk voor de familie Swapp (lees het nu pas) maar ook voor jullie Corinne. xxx

[Josie]

I am going through depression right now with my daughter even though they haven't diagnosed it yet, she admitted herself at the hospital but still talked about doing things to herself and it hurts to here those words, I feel for you and Heidi's family, it is hard to just think when or if your child will take their life away. I think depression is taking over a lot of people and I didn't know how bad this is. She has a young son and she is missing so much with him and in life. I feel like sometimes I will have a heart attack myself with thinking the worst that may happend.

[Linda]

I applaud you and every mother out there who is willing to say...my child is depressed and I'm scared out loud! I read Heidi's heartbreaking story and can't help but think..there but for the grace of God goes I. Five years ago our oldest son, then 21 downed a bottle of pills while his siblings, father and I slept peacefully down the hall. If it were not for the fact that a friend of our son was traveling Europe that summer, and upon awakening signed onto facebook and read a post our son had written during the night, our story might have ended very very differently. The young man didn't know our home number, but he knew that my husband was a physician in a midwest city. He took to the internet and did not give up until he identified the city and hospital in which my husband practices. He made the trans-atlantic call to the hospital switchboard, who then set off my husbands pager. If not for that call, we would have awaken to a son who had died during the night and not just a son in need of Emergency care. I never knew who the angel was that rang the alarm that night...but, for his intervention I will always be thankful.

My son is now in a much better place- but, I don't believe any parent who has had a child suffer through depression, ever takes life for granted ever again!